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Q785: Want to marry for love

Question

I am a 21 year old university student. Over the past 3 years, I have fallen into numerous types of sin with girls due to my weakness and a constant feeling of loneliness.

Recently, a close friend of mine introduced me to a girl and we liked each other and want to get married. Both myself and the girl are happy. I also decided that this time there will be no haram, instead I approached my father and told him of my intention. From our conversation, and subsequent conversations with other people, the following concerns were identified by myself from my family:

1. She is Pakistani, and I am gujarati. Yet neither of us have considered that to be much of an issue as we don’t have firm cultural views and ideas. This was the main issue. My dad did tell another family member that if she was gujarati, he would have got the nikah done asap.

2. I am a student and should complete my studies. Yet I believe that I will continue to sin unless I get married as soon as possible. My aakhirat should be prioritised over my dunya. And with the sukoon of marriage, and a new incentive to be successful, I believe my studies would actually improve.

3. She has had a difficult and traumatic past. I believe everyone has a past, and everyone has made mistakes. I have made many myself, yet that should not define how a person is judged. People change when guided by Allah.

4. The girl is young. She is 16, however her maturity far exceeds even that of those girls who are similar to me in age. And she fully understands the gravity of marriage.

5. I am a student and therefore I can’t provide for her. This was true until we discussed it. We agreed that we could have a nikah but delay the rukhsati till a time where we can live together, and I believe that I would be able to take care of her within a year. I also explained the reality of my situation, but she is prepared to start this new life with me. We have both accepted it may be tough, yet we are still determined to make it work.

I was taught that there is no obedience of the creation where there is disobedience of Allah, and I sincerely believe I will fall into sin, due to my nature of requiring a close personal friend and confidante, which I can only find in a female counterpart. I have looked in girlfriends, but without Allahs barakat, this has never been successful.

I would just like some advice, because my family is refusing to listen to me. They do not value any of my Islamic concerns. Some have gone to the extent of instructing me to maintain a haram relationship with her till I graduate.

There is an element of peace missing in my life. I always feel alone and empty, as if something is missing, and I believe finding a life partner would help me complete myself. This girl is also religious and has exhorted me to read salah and make dua, even more than my family does.

My family is playing games, telling me that they will do mashwarah, but then instructing members of my extended family to dissuade me from the nikah, and I feel I am in the middle of a political game with a lot of emotional blackmail. No one seems to really want to ask me what is important to me and what my situation is.

My relationship with my family hasn’t been great. We differed on a lot of views, a lot of them were cultural, and as a result I have become a free spirited independent person. Yet I maintained an effort to safeguard my Islam. The distance has also meant that not a single member of my family knows how much I have matured and developed, and they still see me as the immature child who left for uni 3 years ago.

Please help me and advise me. I really need it.

Jazakallah

Answer

Masha Allah, it is very praiseworthy that you wish to get married so that you may save yourself from falling into sin. May Allah forgive you and guide you.

The Prophet of Allah Salla Allahu Alayhi Wa Sallam says in a Hadith.

“يا معشر الشباب، من استطاع منكم الباءة فليتزوج، فإنه أغض للبصر، وأحصن للفرج، ومن لم يستطع فعليه بالصوم، فإنه له وِجاء”

“Young men!! Whosoever amongst you has the capacity to get married, then he should get married. For marriage keeps the gaze low, and protects one’s private parts. And whosoever does not have the capacity to marry, then he should fast frequently, as fasting is a means of protection for him. (Bukhari and Muslim)

Firstly, it should be understood that in Islam, parents have a great right over their children. And they should be obeyed in all circumstances as long as they do not command you to disobey Allah Ta’ala.

Hazrat Ibn Umar R.A narrates that he was married to a lady whom he loved very much, however Hazrat Umar R.A did not like her (maybe due to some bad habits which his son did not notice). Hazrat Umar R.A asked him to divorce her, however he refused. So Hazrat Umar R.A went to the Messenger of Allah Salla Allahu Alayhi Wa Sallam and complained. The Messenger of Allah Salla Allahu Alayhi Wa Sallam then told Abdullah to divorce his wife. (Mishkat)

From this we can deduce how important it is to obey ones parents and fulfil their wishes.

On the other hand, the children also hold certain rights over thier parents. It is important that parents understand the feelings of their children and always wish the best for them with regards to their worldly affairs and Deeni affairs.

When our desires are different to our parents desires, we should try and give preference to our parents desires. It comes in a Hadith, “Allah’s happiness is in the happiness of the father, and Allah’s displeasure is in the displeasure of the father.

In your situation, you can try and speak to your parents in a soft and gentle manner and explain to them nicely and see if they understand. If you think they might not listen you, then you may speak to them through a member of the family who understands your situation, or maybe through a senior member of the community, or the local Imam.

However, if they still do not agree, then it is better that you find someone else whom your parents approve of, especially when your intention is not just to follow your Nafs, but to save yourself from falling into sin.

Remember, your parents will always be your parents. Even after you get married, you will have to fulfil thier rights. So do Istikhara, make Dua to Allah Ta’ala, and then take your next step.

As for the points you mentioned,

1, There is a considerable age gap between you two, even though she might appear to be mature. You should both wait, at least until she is about 18.

2, You are a Gujarati and you have been brought up with karhi kheechri, whereas she has brought up with parathas. How will she cook for you? The cultural difference can be a barrier.

3, I feel that Being a student should never be a hindrance in marriage. if you are able to provide lodging and expenses for her, then try to settle the family differences before marrying her.

4, We have not been created solely for the pleasures of this dunya, we have to keep the aakhirah in mind. So control your desires.

May Allah help you and make everything easy for you.

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