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Q838: My husband wants to have a second wife, What should I do?

Salam. I pray you can help me. I have been married for 17 years and have 4 children.

I am a professional, Our marriage was with not an arranged one but due to our love for one another.

Last week my husband asked if he could have a second wife. I understand it is permissible. However, I can’t accept this. This has since caused a lot of hurt and anger.

My husband says its ok. But I am not convinced. How can we move forward. I am so hurt by the suggestion. I can’t believe he has asked me this. The children have seen us argue and feel my pain. Please advise me please.

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Walaikumussalam w w

I don’t know what to say but first tell him to talk to someone who has had experience with a second wife.

Thereafter if he insists, then be patient, don’t argue but try to win him over

Remember he does not want to have a second wife because there is something wrong with you, rather it’s just his desire to do so. And there is not much we can do to control that. At the end of the day you will be rewarded for your patience.

Would it not be better than having him commit zina? There are many men out there who have a secret affair and keep committing zina and get affected by diseases and bring those diseases into the home.

So you would be rewarded for helping him avoid sin.

May Allah make things easy for you


5 Responses

  1. Anonymous

    Dear sister,

    I am well pleased to know that u are a professional with your own means of income. We need more muslim women like this.

    I have clearly told my husband that if this case ever arises. I will NOT REMAIN IN THIS marriage. And I want A CRYSTAL CLEAR DIVORCE. Alhamdulilah I have a good profession and I will not be hurt emotionally, socially nor physically by any man !!

    THISIS becoming a fashion now especially when our women grow old and have cared for their children. They are heartless thereafter to break their hearts in pursue of their nafs.

    MUSLIM WOMEN ALWAYS have to sacrifice to please their men. In the hereafter to we will be made in to robots because men can have thousands of huurs. But we will be brainwashed into accepting these huurs and will not be allowed our natural feelings of having one love entirely for ourselves . All women want to have one special husband to love only her entirely.

    In paradise we will be brainwashed into accepting huurs making love without husband all the time. We will not have our natural feelings we had in this world.

    U SEE sister even in the hereafter us women have to sacrifice for men.

    I know this will not get posted. But at least I hope one sensible alim reads it.

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    Asssalamualaikum w w

    Dear sister!

    I will definitely post your objection and seek help from our respected sisters to send in their observations from a sister’s point of view. Maybe someone who is in this type of marriage can inform us of their experience.

    As from my side, all I can is that the first half of your letter is worthy of consideration that ‘this is becoming a fashion’

    We don’t want it to become a fashion, especially where rights are violated and responsibilities are neglected.

    Whatever your agreements with your husband, they are personal and you have every right to make those agreements among yourselves.

    Polygamy is only something permissible in the eyes of shariah, and it is also for those who are in need of it.

    It seems you haven’t read the Quranic verse which allows polygamy. Allah clearly states in there “If you fear you will not do justice, then one only”
    You maybe a professional in your field, but it seems that you have very little knowledge of your Deen.

    As for your second part wherein you attack paradise, you appear to be very childish. You are like that child who refuses to share it’s toys with it’s siblings. Of course a child’s natural feelings will be to have all the toys for itself alone but that does not mean that those feelings are correct. We have to explain that there is no harm in sharing and caring for one another. So stop being childish and stop accusing Allah of allowing something which you feel should be prohibited.

    What you have mentioned of thousands of huur is also incorrect. The muhadditheen have debated this issue of the amount of huurs a jannati will get in Jannah. Some ahaadeeth say “Each one of them will have two wives from al huurul een” others state that “A shaheed will be wedded with seventy two from al huurul een”

    Ibnul Qayyim has stated that the narrations of multitude of huurs do not reach the category of Saheeh, and thus his research was that the Hadith of Bukhari and Muslim of two huurs is the most saheeh.

    Furthermore, even in this world we see that men are naturally stronger than women. A man’s sexual drive is much stronger than most women’s. When a woman is on her period, or during her pregnancies, or after child birth, if the husband needs her during these times, what solution would you provide for him? Would you tell him to commit zina? Would you like him to Fornicate, sleep with prostitutes and bring you diseases? Would you tell him to masturbate? Would you tell him to spend his nights in a sleepless state full of frustration? None of these are natural.

    One man can handle a few women but one woman cannot handle a few men. No shareef woman would want multiple men sleeping with her. Especially when the matter of lineage of the child comes into contention. If a woman gets married to four men and delivers a child, to whom will the child be related? Who will be classed as the father? Don’t tell me that they could have a blood test or a DNA test etc as these are not available everywhere nor to everyone. Islam is for the whole world.

    Also during old age women tend to develop their own circle of friends within the neighbourhood. They mix with their sahelees. Also they have children and grandchildren to look after and they pay less attention to their husbands. Now the husband needs some attention too, so if he had the financial means and he was healthy and he was a muttaqi, ie god fearing person, and he would treat both wives with justice, and thus he did get a second wife, then what is wrong with that? It’s got nothing to do with being programmed. It’s pure jealousy from the ladies side.

    Please excuse my harsh words, but this is the reality. And I am only getting angry for the sake of Allah and I am trying to defend Allah. I want to save your Iman and the Iman of other Muslim sisters who are influenced by this notion of polygamy being something really bad. Even the society around us which claims to be monogamous is not so. Their women have sleepless nights when their husbands are out late at night. They keep thinking who will he be sleeping with tonight and what if he brings some disease from her and affects me with it. Their affairs in offices lead to divorces. Even superstars and men in the public eye can’t stay away from other women. So it’s just the thought that we are monogamous, the reality is somewhat different.

  2. Mohammed

    Jazakallah Shaykh for clearing up this issue.

    Also does Ayah 43 in Surah A’raf :

    “We will remove whatever amount of MALICE they had in their hearts”

    Help explain her misunderstanding of being ‘brainwashed’?
    That this is why you won’t feel that jealousy etc. you are feeling in this world. That goes for everybody entering Jannah not just women.

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    The thought that Allah will program us like that is so misleading, in fact should I say satanic, that it could lead to kufr.

    Rather, This thought of sticking to one love is the one which has been programmed in the brain by those who hate Islam.

    A person will not be able to enter Jannah unless and until he/she has a clean, purified heart. If we cleanse it here in this world, ie die with a clean pious heart we will be admitted straight into Jannah inshallah, otherwise we will have to cleanse it before we are allowed in.

  3. salimasakinah

    Bismillah, dear my sster , I love I for the sake of Allah.

    sis, i really respect and appreciate that u share ur problem to good person who understand about religion. I really understand how u r feeling.

    Your husband must have a good reason to married again bcs to save n protect woman and do sunnah rasulullah.

    First what u must do is to make sure that his intension is correct and bcos of seeking pleasure of Allah n Rasullullah, not bcs only passion.

    If he has intension bcs Allah n Rasul, u must support him, bcs everything from Allah n Rasul get bleesing from Allah n Allah will help u n him to be sakeenah mawadah warahmah.

    If u r woman who has care about Ummah of Rasullah, dawat , Fiqr ummah, u will accept poligamy wth ur pleasure. bcs at now, woman in the world compare wth man are 1: 12. 1 for man, and 12 for woman. can u imagine if 1 man merid wth 1 woman how about 11 woman? what they will do? bcm Lesbian, zina, etc, many bad doing .

    If u n ur husband doing poligamy, at least u save and protect woman and u bcme asbab heedayah to those around you nd Allah gv reward for u, that very very glamours that every malakikat / angel didnt know what reward that Allah gv to woman accept poligamy. so, i think there is no excuse to didnt accept poligamy. but u must gv understand to ur husband to be fair n try to lead u all wth religion based. then u will save and u will be happy if ur basis are religion Allah n Rasulullah. subhnaAllah. barakallahu to u n ur family. hope u can follow Rasulullah very well n we will meet Him in the paradise.amiin.

  4. hasina

    Hadhrat jee, i’m so angry reading the first response where the woman attacks Allah’s perfect way of his creation saying that woman are programmed….crystal clear divorce, Allahu akbar. Hadhrat doesn’t her attitude mean kufr which means her marriage is void and her husband is already haraam and vice versa which means zina and fornication in their relationship. …. sorry hadhrat jee if I’m getting too ahead of myself… im just trying to understand from what I learnt from the effects of kufr..please correct me if I’m wrong.

    Sister if your reading this please be careful with the laws of Allah and educate yourself and you’ll learn that if you live a patient and pious life and love your husband for the sake of Allah only and accept and neglect anything for the sake of Allah then when Allah makes you meet in Jannah, insha Allah, you will be made 70 time more beautiful than thehuurul een. Now I know all women want that…there’s a price for the Eternal bliss.

    I make sincere dua to Allah that he guides me and us all.

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    Good point! Jazakallah!!

    She should consult a local alim and if need be, declare shahadah again and do the Nikah again

    May Allah protect us from falling in to kufr, knowingly or unknowingly

  5. niyram choggy

    Assalam Aleykum” Allah (sw) says in quran ” muumin cant
    Refuse what Allah nrasuull’s statement so plz my dia cster be whatch ur words other wise u wl get in to kufr, wht u need to do is to pray to the Allah to gv u subra and ask Allah to check on the coming marriage if it has blessings
    Sorry 4 my english

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